Seems Like I Lose Myself
by elwoodluver00034
Summary: What are your most prominent memories of the prom? Probably not when the love of your life dumped you. Well for Joey Potter that’s the case. full summary inside! PLZ R&R! PJ fic CH.3 IS UP! Sorry about not ud!
1. There's No Gettin' Over You

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, lines from the episodes, storylines or settings. I have no affiliation with the WB network. So don't sue me 'cause you won't get anything!

A/N: Hi everyone! I know I know… I write too many new stories… but I can't help it! I have so many ideas that are just flowing through my mind 24/7! I've wanted to write something along the lines of how Joey copes after her breakup with Pacey since before I even started posting fan fictions. I hope you guys enjoy this. I personally think it is a really good storyline… whether or not I was the one to write it. ENJOY!

Summary: What are your most prominent memories of the prom? Probably not when the love of your life dumped you. Well for Joey Potter that's the case. How will she cope when she arrives at school Monday morning… how will she face her fears? Will she? Or will she just hide from them and walk away from it all…

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Ch.1 – There's No Gettin' Over You

I walk into school and hear the hushed whispers of onlookers. The news has spread… Pacey broke up with me… at the Prom. At our prom that represents more to me than words can even describe. I hang my head low as I continue to walk the halls… walking the familiar route to my locker.

My head is still facing the ground… just looking at all of the tiles laid out in order… I'm counting them… 1,2,3,4,5… I'm pulled out of my tranquil state of mind by being shoved. I get jostled around a little bit more as my books fly out of my hands. Wonderful… I can already tell this is going to be a _great_ day. I grab my books off the ground and get pummeled a few more times before I finally look up. If I want to stop running into people I guess my head has to come off of the ground.

But then I see him. I see him standing in front of my locker just staring at me. He wants to talk to me… I can tell… but I don't. I just want to disappear… I can't even look at him without my heart breaking more. It's like he _wants_ me to feel worse than I already am. Well not today. I quickly retreat from him… my head to the ground once more. I can't help but feel like I'm a freshman again… walking the halls so frightened of what would find me there. I can tell that he's trying to reach me but I don't stop… I don't tear my gaze off the tiles. I just keep counting… 1,2,3,4,5…

Lunch… lunch lunch lunch… well… what am I to do? I can't go sit down with my friends because they're Pacey's friends too. I guess I don't have friends anymore. I can't be associated with Pacey Witter in any way shape or form if I ever want to even _consider_ getting over him. I quickly grab my lunch from the line and sprint out of the cafeteria. I can only hope that no one saw me. I make my way to an unfamiliar spot in the school… where I know they won't find me.

I open the plastic wrapping of my sandwich carefully… my hands shaking slightly… I'm trying to hold back my tears. The cruel and bitter truth just gnawing at me... I have no one. I have no shoulders to cry on. Everyone is gone from my life. But I guess I can't blame them. So I'll just go back to my lunch and try to drill one thing and one thing only into my mind… I am alone… forevermore…

I open the pull top of my diet coke and set it back down onto the tray. I bring the sandwich to my mouth and my teeth can't even bite down all the way… I'm trembling too much. Slowly I feel tears escape my eyes as I break down. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep all of my emotions inside. I place my hand over my eyelids just to feel some sort of protection from the outside world… but to no avail. I still feel cold. The wind is biting at my arms and I can't do anything to stop it. I just cradle myself and cry.

Finally the bell rings and I reluctantly tear myself away from my place on the ground, which will be evermore the mourning place of Joey Potter. I begin to make my way to my class hoping I don't run into anyone. Everyone is staring at me. I don't know why… but then I realize… my eyes must still be puffy from crying. Crying over Pacey. Pacey… oh Pacey… I love you so much but we can't be together anymore. I don't know why or how I hurt you… but just knowing that I did is tearing me apart. Pacey… oh god… I just remembered… sixth period. Our class… god I can't approach him… approach this. Not now not ever. I can't bear to look into his beaming blue eyes. I can't stand to be so close to him that I can smell his intoxicating scent. I can't do it. I can't face him.

I quickly dart my way through students passing my classroom where I see him waiting for me attentively. He eyes me but I don't stop… I just keep on walking. I lower my head to the ground to avoid eye contact, which I guess is my new thing around him. But I can't look at him… because if I do then I could break down here and now. And I don't want that… I never want that. I swiftly make my way out of the main doors and rush down the street. I only hope that no one has caught me. I can hear the door open but I don't turn around… because if I do than my worst fears might be realized. I feel his hand on my shoulder… too late…

"Jo. Are you going to avoid me forever?"

I don't turn around. All I do is shrug off his touch and begin on my way again. But he doesn't let me go that easily…

"Jo. We need to talk about this."

I hear the urgency in his voice and know that he won't give up on me. I reluctantly turn around and see the pain in his eyes. I guess I was expecting that… but not to this degree.

"So talk."

I can barely make the words come out of my mouth without some sort of crack in my voice. I can see that he noticed and he becomes more urgent than before.

"So… about what happened this weekend. Jo… I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it. Well… maybe I did, but that wasn't the way I wanted it to come out. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never want to do that."

I see the sadness that fills his eyes and I can tell that I'm about to cry. My eyes water up and I feel a tear escape me. He mistakes my tear for joy and smiles slightly brushing it away. When his hand caresses my skin I can't help but close my eyes. Reveling in the touch of him. But I rapidly break away from it again and he is a bit confused.

"What's wrong Jo?"

I chuckle at his question. What's wrong? Everything is wrong! You broke my heart! You hurt me! Because of you I'm broken! I'll never be the same… never…

"Everything Pacey."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

I bite back at him. I feel bad after doing so but I feel a little bit better that I'm finally showing some sort of feeling other than sorrow and regret.

He looks at me again pained. Whatever happiness I may have just unleashed is gone in the blink of an eye. I feel so horrible because I can't just kiss away all of his pain. I can't be the one who helps him through this. That's someone else's job now.

"What now then Joey? Do you just want me to forget about us? Because if you do than the answer is gonna have to be no."

"I'm not asking you to do anything Pace. Just walk away."

I turn around as more tears come to my eyes. A small whimper escapes my lips and I finally begin to walk away… knowing that he's not going to stop me. I feel like my heart has just been ripped out and trampled… I can never go back to Capeside High again. I can never be in Capeside again. The tears are still fresh and I can't just sit in them until I get better... because if I do that then I'll _never_ get better.

Goodbye Capeside…

Goodbye Pacey…

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Reviews are very much appreciated! If you have any questions or anything I'll answer them in the beginning of the next chapter! Also I would _really_ appreciate some constructive criticism (if you have any that is). THNX FOR READING MY FIC!

So did you guys enjoy it? I hope so. Again I would love some feedback. So what do you think will happen? Will Joey _really_ be able to leave Capeside… leave Pacey? How will Pacey react if she leaves? Do you think that Joey will ever get over the pain of Pacey's hateful words? Or just take them to heart and become a lifeless… heartless being who doesn't believe in love and happiness… OH THE POSSIBILITIES! ;)


	2. Your Love Don’t Live Here

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, lines from the episodes, storylines or settings. I have no affiliation with the WB network. So don't sue me 'cause you won't get anything!

A/N: HEY! Thanks for your reviews. I'm really glad that you guys liked it. So yes… sry I'm not too consistent with my updating… I can't help it. Again… school is hell. I don't make the rules… I just abide by them. One more thing… I'm setting this a year back… so instead of them being seniors they're juniors. But everything from senior year still happens (i.e. the ski trip, dive-in, prom etc…). Anyway… I hope that you enjoy this next chapter.

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Ch.2 – Your Love Don't Live Here Anymore

I got to my house a crying mess. My hair was frizzy and my clothes where soaked with sweat. Why did I have to walk home… and at the hottest point of the day no less? I sigh… I'm not in the mood to criticize myself right now. I just got my heart broken by Pacey… again… I've never felt so rejected in my life. I guess that's what I get for giving him too much of me. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with him on the ski trip… because if I hadn't maybe now I wouldn't feel so empty… feel so… dirty. Oh well, I can't take it back. I just have to deal with the fact that last weekend did happen.

I open the door and feel Bessie's eyes right on me… but I'm not in the mood to explain to her why I'm not at school right this second. I just walk up the steps to my bedroom… feeling my weight become too much to bear when I sense myself molding with the floor with each passing step. I finally make it to my room and drop my backpack. It made a loud thumping noise but I don't cringe… I knew it was going to happen. I just drop it and collapse on my bed and welcome the fresh set of tears that have finally made their way to the outside world…

When I'm with you I feel like I'm NOTHING! I feel like I'm nothing… 

My head quickly bolts up when those words repeat through my head. A small sob escapes me as I bury my head farther and farther into the sheets. This has got to be the worst moment of my life…

Someone knocked on my door and I choose to ignore it. If they really must talk to me then they can wait until I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I scream to them to leave but that only makes the knocking get louder. I tear myself away from the comforts of my bed and my head begins to throb. I close my eyes and my hand instinctively goes to my forehead as I wobble my way over to the door. I open it and immediately forget about the throbbing pains. The only thing that's throbbing is now my heart that's pulsing at a million miles an hour.

"Pacey…"

I look at him again… this time with more detail… wait a minute… are those… are those tears? Has Pacey Witter actually been… crying? I look into his eyes a bit confused but he quickly turns away and I can't help but feel my heart sink. After a few moments of compete awkwardness… for me at least… he turns around with slightly puffy eyes and a quivering lip. I decide to just swallow my fear and talk to him. I'm tired of being the one that just listens… now it's _his_ turn to listen…

"Look Pacey. I really don't know what you're doing here… but don't you think you've caused my life enough damage as it is?"

I look at him with a cold expression and hope that he feels some sort of hurt from it… dammit… nothing… not even a flinch. He looks down after the words linger there for a while… untouched by his speech. Again… a couple of minutes pass of more awkward silence until he finally looks up at me and I can tell that something has really been bugging him… but that doesn't mean I'm willing to listen to him. To what he has to say…

"Jo. I'm not here to 'cause more damage'. I'm here because I just _really_ need to talk to you."

I look at him again unbelieving his words. But I just decide to respond again… but more coldly then before.

"No one's stopping you Pace. No one ever did."

I scowl at him more as I hit that fresh spot that I dare not touch until now…

"But not like you didn't already know that. Right Pacey?"

His expression turns blank and I finally begin to feel some sort of happiness… I finally made him feel some of the enormous hurt that he has caused me. He looks down and shakes his head a bit.

"God Jo. You didn't have to be such a bitch about it."

He turns away and walks down the hallway… and yet again I'm left here feeling like a moron for letting him get away for the third time. I put my hand on the door for support when my face begins to scrunch up and I feel new tears that are just about ready to show their ugly faces. But I won't let anyone else see them so I slowly close my door and just crumble into the sheets all over again as I let my heart and soul pour out onto them.

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After Pacey left yesterday I was alone with my thoughts. I began to blame myself for everything… and I think that I'm right. I mean… if I had just been a good girlfriend like he wanted then we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like I let him down. After that long and painful discovery I picked up my Walkman and put in an all too familiar CD that had never really had much meaning in my life… but as fate would have it it couldn't more right on. That's probably what kills me most. So today I'm again carrying my Walkman listening to the same song over and over again. I hum it on my way to my locker and I again see Pacey there waiting. I really don't want to talk to him though. I know I shouldn't but the only thing I want to do now is just push him away from me and be a 'bitch' as he worded it so delicately earlier. I walk up to my locker and squeeze between him and the piece of metal. My heart beats faster at the proximity. My plan starts to deteriorate when I feel his breath on my neck. I can barely remember the words… but then something broke me out of my trance.

"Jo…"

He breathed into my ear and I knew that I had to end this now. We couldn't be like this. After he just broke up with me. I listened harder to my music and tried to forget that Pacey was right behind me. The words started coming to me and I began to sing them louder and louder…

"…_Seems like I lose myself_

_But then the answer comes_

_Just when you let the Anastasia wear off my friend_

_You realize what's been done_

But I don't regret 

_That I had the chance to_

_Have a little fun_

_So far I've learned_

_That without fear_

_Life's a lot more exciting_

_There's no words_

_Not one decision that I take back_

_Not one verse that's worth re-writing_

_So stand up strait_

_And dream out loud_

_Stars can't read you_

_When your hiding_

_Seems like I lose myself_

_But then the answer comes_

_Just when you let the Anastasia wear off my friend_

_You realize what's been done…_"

I get torn away from my song when Pacey quickly turns me around and looks at me… he looks at me so defeated… like nothing that he tries will work. I didn't mean to do it but suddenly I couldn't resist the urge to touch him. The backside of my hand gently stroked his cheek… when he felt my touch his eyes immediately curled back. I couldn't believe that I had this effect on him. But I couldn't let him win. I had to let him know that he gave me up… and because of that neither of us could be happy. I moved my hand away and he opened his eyes confused as to why I wasn't still touching him. He searched my eyes pleadingly but I wouldn't let him in. I know that if I do then I'll never make him see…

"I thought I made you feel like nothing Pace…"

And just like that I'm gone. I have to admit… that was a pretty good exit. I know this is just making matters all worse but I really don't know any other way… if I do this then at least he'll know how much he hurt me. But I can't do this forever. I can't keep playing this game with him. I need to leave… and I need to leave now. I really don't care about the grades… I don't care about getting into college… all that matters now is getting as far away from Pacey Witter as possible.

I just can't make myself face him everyday. I don't know how I'd do it. Besides… I need to get on with my life and how am I supposed to do that when my ex-boyfriend is always going to be somewhere in the background… watching me. Besides… I think I've done a pretty good job of making him hate me so I don't think that I'd like to watch him date other girls for our last year of high school.

And yes… I know that leaving Capeside would mean giving up my dreams forever but… I can't let myself stay here. I can't be around him everyday and ever expect to get over this. There's just no way…

I'm still walking the halls and I decide to look back at him… just to see if he's gone… hope that he's gone. But he's not.

God… he's looking at me again. I can't take it. Why does he have to look at me with those amazing eyes whenever I contemplate leaving?

I quickly turn around again and my head automatically falls to the ground as I scurry away.

Goodbye Pacey… I'll miss you…

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I decided to skip school again and cut out early. This time though I cut out especially early. I was just about to walk into my first class but then realized that if I didn't leave this second that I'd never find the courage to let it all go. So I passed my classroom door by and headed out the main ones. For the first time I walked out of those doors and I felt… free.

I felt that I was finally rid of all this pressure… all this stress and all this drama. There was a new world that was waiting for me… a world that had _nothing_ to do with Pacey or Dawson or my grades… nothing mattered anymore… just me.

I began to smile… finally happy that I was free… finally free. I ran to the grass and let my backpack fall to the ground as I spun around time after time… just enjoying my liberty. I stopped spinning around and fell to the ground breathing heavily and gazing up at the sky… when I looked at the sky I saw all of my possibilities laid out before me…

But then… god… then I saw Pacey… Pacey staring at me saddened at my absence… saddened that I had left him forever. But then… then I saw him smile… like he was _happy_ that I was gone. My eyes began to sting and I could just feel the moisture collect as my vision became foggy. He was _finally_ rid of me.

"You finally got your way Pacey. I love you _so_ much but I guess we just aren't meant to be. I guess we just… I guess our love wasn't strong enough… _my_ love wasn't strong enough…"

I sobbed for a few minutes before I finally regained my composure and started my long trek home.

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I make it home in one piece. I'm surprised. My eyes are watery and my clothes are again saturated though… I'm thankful that Bessie is taking her morning nap before the B&B gets hectic. I creep up the stairs and quickly empty my backpack of it's contents. I ran around my room and I swear it looked like a hurricane came through there… I grabbed as much as I could before I closed my door one final time…

I went out to the kitchen and grabbed a note pad. I grabbed a pen and began to write…

_Dear Bessie,_

_Hey sis. This is a really hard thing for me to do… I don't even know what to write. I guess all there is to say is that I'm leaving and that I'm never coming back. I can't. I can't face this life… I just need to leave Capeside and I need to leave Pacey. I know that you think this is totally immature but you have to realize… I'm never going to get over Pacey if I stay here… my life will become a depression… the only things I would do would be eat, sleep and go to school. I would spend my time in my room just thinking about what I did wrong and how I could've done better. That's not the life I want to lead Bess. So I'm leaving. I'm taking the car and going to the train station. It'll be in the parking lot so don't worry about it. And please…don't try to stop me… because I won't be stopped. There is no stopping me now. I love you always and I'll miss you big sis._

_Your baby sister always,_

_Joey _

I placed the note on the table as another tear escaped me. I stood from the table and was about to walk away. But something stopped me… I sat back down at the table and took another note and began to write furiously…

_Dear Pacey,_

_Hey Pace. When you get this I'll be gone from your life forever. I'm sorry that I was such a bitch to you. I didn't know any other way of letting myself get over you… which I now know is impossible. Once you fall for Pacey Witter there's no going back. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you and I'm sorry about the way we worked out in the end. I really thought that you were it for me. I wanted you to be it for me. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you… love you. I can't stand to be near you and know that I was the one that drove us apart. I'm just sorry that I didn't realize it sooner so that I could reverse it. I hope that my leaving will make your life easier. It won't be an easy task saying goodbye to us but I know that I have to. And I'm not just leaving for you… I'm leaving for me. I need to be free… I need to live my life and get away from you. Being near you but not being with you makes my heart break… it brakes over and over and over again and I'm afraid that eventually there won't be any left and I'll just shrivel up and die. Because that's what I want to do Pacey… I want to die… I can't imagine my life without you… but that's what I have to do. I have to get away from you. I love you with my whole heart and I think I always will. So I hope that your life works out well for you. I hope you meet a girl that won't make you feel the way you felt around me and I hope that you make a nice life for yourself. You know… a wife… kids… a nice house… a good job. But I'd like you to do me one favor… never forget about me… never forget about the love that we share for each other… because it's precious… it doesn't happen everyday. When you look back at us I don't want you to scowl… I want you to smile. So smile Pacey… this will all be better if you just smile…_

_Yours forever,_

_Jo_

I placed the note for Bessie neatly on the table and I folded up the one for Pacey and wrote the one word that symbolized the entire reason I was leaving… _Pacey_. I grabbed the note to Bessie and scribbled something down before finally closing the door to this life and opening the door to the next. I'll miss it… but I need to do this for me or else I'll never get my life back.

I'll miss you Pace…

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Reviews are very much appreciated! If you have any questions or anything I'll answer them in the beginning of the next chapter! Also I would _really_ appreciate some constructive criticism (if you have any that is). THNX FOR READING MY FIC!

Hey! I'm probably going to update this again sometime this weekend… but I'm not making any promises… I just know where I want this story to go and it excites me greatly. :) I hope you guys have enjoyed this so far! Don't worry! There will be A LOT of drama coming ahead. I'll give you some spoilers… I guess… it would be much more fun if I just kept you in the dark but I have to give you SOMETHING to look forward to.

- Joey finally says goodbye to Capeside and finds herself searching for a job… AT A BAR? Since when do they let 16-year-olds work at a bar? YOU'LL FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

- An unexpected surprise throws Joey way off track… but you'll have to wait to find out what that surprise is! ;)

- And don't worry kiddies! Pacey will be in the story… he might not show up next chapter since that's mainly about Joey. But Pacey is far from being gone from Joey's life…

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING MY FAN FICTION!


	3. Without You

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, lines from the episodes, storylines or settings. I have no affiliation with the WB network. So don't sue me 'cause you won't get anything!

A/N: HEY! SORRY! I forgot to say… the song 'Seems Like I Loose Myself' is a song by Dianna Gatto. She isn't big… she's a family friend of mine but she is AMAZING! She has issued two CD's and is now currently living in Nashville. So if you're anywhere near there you should look up her stuff! ALSO! Like last year or something she was on Nashville Star as well. She didn't get very far only because she doesn't do country. She does folk… but not like old American folk. Just music that doesn't belong anywhere else so it just goes there. Yes I'm so sorry that I forgot to tell you all! It's a great song by the way. The name of ch.2 is also one of her songs. I think I'm going to name all of my chapters after her songs. I might run out of songs but I hope I don't. Again… I'M SORRY:)

Also sorry about not ud sooner. But it's not like I was singling this one out… I didn't ud ALL my stories 'til now. So yeah… just don't gang up on me!

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Ch.3 – Without You

I've been gone for a few days now… it's different. I miss seeing Pacey everyday… I thought the pain would wane by me leaving… but it's only gotten worse.

I'm wandering around The Big Apple trying to find a place that'll let a 16-year-old girl get high enough wages to pay for rent. Not very easy. Everyone always asks me questions that I can't answer. They say, 'What times are you at school so we can work around?' or, 'Do your parents know you want to work here?' It's so frustrating! I just want to scream… plus I'm throwing up all the time… I guess it's just these circumstances are making me a bit on edge. I've applied to every possible place in the city and NO ONE showed any interest in hiring me. Now I'm just wandering around… looking for anything. Up the way I see a bar and decide to try my luck… who knows… it could be my lucky day…

I enter and immediately get pounded with a very unique smell. I try not to throw up again… I can't do it. I run into the bathroom and vomit about two times before I finally go back out. Everyone is looking at me strangely… I guess they heard me. Well… there goes my chance of getting a job here. But right before I walk out the door I decide to just swallow my fear and do it anyway. I turn around determined and go up to the bar tender.

"Excuse me Mr.…"

"Eddie… that's the name."

He flashes me a smile and I can't help but blush. I put my hands up on the counter and lean in a little closer.

"Well… Eddie… is the owner around? I need to speak to them."

"Sure… but only if you tell me why first."

I look around and turn a darker shade of red before I lean in a bit closer.

"I need a job."

I see him try to hold back his fits of laughter. What's so funny anyway?

"Why… why are you laughing?"

I try not to let him know that this is getting to me. He wipes the tears that have formed around his eyes.

"Nothing… nothing… it's just… how old are you? Like 15?"

I stomp my foot angry… I want to correct him and say I'm 16, going on 17 in a few months. But I don't want to let him know he's right in that I'm underage.

"Can you just get the owner… please?"

He sees my determined look and decides to just do what I ask.

"Sure. Hold on a second."

I wait there for about 10 minutes… feeling more uncomfortable than I have ever been before. He finally comes out with a woman in tow. I didn't know that women owned bars. Oh well… you learn something new everyday. Eddie comes right in front of me and turns to the woman.

"Okay… so this is the girl I was talking about. Now don't shoot her down immediately… she's really determined this one."

He turns to me and smiles. I scowl back. The woman walks past him and holds her hand out for me to shake. I do and she smiles at me.

"Hello. I don't think I ever got your name."

"Joey. My name is Joey."

She eyes me up and down and now I'm starting to get self-conscious. She smiles again when she sees me squirming under her gaze.

"It's nice to meet you Joey. I'm Audrey Liddell and I own this place. I just opened it about oh… a year ago. But it stayed above water so I'm grateful for that."

She smiles again and I can't help but smile back too.

"Yeah…"

I look down trying to figure out how I'm supposed to ask her for a job. But she beats me to it.

"So Eddie here tells me you're looking for a job. Why of all places would you choose here?"

I look up at her and focus my gaze on something else.

"Anyplace that could hire me in the city didn't and I need to get enough money to pay rent. I just tried here because it's the last place I can. But I know that you know I'm under aged so I guess I should be going now."

I turn away from her and slip down from the barstool. I begin to walk away with my head hung low until I feel a hand on my back. I turn around to see Audrey smiling at me.

"I don't care about your age. Just because you're underage doesn't mean I don't need some help around the place… little things… you know?"

I nod slightly and she continues.

"I've been meaning to recruit one of my nieces or nephews… but since you need this more than they do you got the job."

I can't hold back the grin that comes to my face.

"Thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I need this job."

I gab her into a hug and I can tell she wasn't expecting that but she hugs me back all the same. I can see Eddie roll his eyes out of the corner of my eye and just smile more. Audrey pulls back and looks me up and down.

"Good lord woman. You need a shower. Eddie!"

Eddie comes over to us quicker than I thought possible.

"Take her to the upstairs apartment and get her settled in. Today you do nothing but rest and get your strength back. Alright?"

I nod at her and Eddie leads me back behind the bar and up some stairs until we get to a hallway with 3 doors… one to the left, one to the right, and one straight ahead. We head straight forward and stop in front. He fishes through his pockets and gets some keys out and unlocks the door pushing it open. I enter and I can't help but smile and spin around. I can see Eddie smiling which just makes me that much more happy.

"The bathroom is through there."

He points to a small corridor and I nod. After a few more seconds he leaves and I can hear him lock the door. I sigh to myself and fall on the couch that is behind me and just rest. I hadn't realized how tired I was until I had fallen into a deep sleep.

"_I love you…"_

_A husky whisper tickles my ear. I throw my arms around them from behind and just sigh… this is exactly where I want to be._

"_Mmmmm… and I love you…"_

_He nuzzles his nose into my neck and nibbles slightly on my soft skin. I can't help but let my moans mix in with my giggles. His hands come from up from my waist and start caressing my sides… it feels so good. He's still nibbling and I'm licking my lips trying hard not to let my moans get too loud. His hands slip under my thin shirt so now his skin is on mine… but I want more. My hands that were caressing the nape of his neck are now coming down to his face… I turn around so now I'm cupping his cheeks with my hands. I come dangerously close to him and whisper._

"_This is exactly where I want to be… with you."_

_That was it for all his self-control as he lunged forward so our lips were on one another's… devouring. I can feel his moans on my tongue when it slides into his mouth… I'm trying so hard not to get too riled up to the point that I'm suffocating him but when he pulls away from me taking gulps of air I see I did just that. After he catches his breath he grabs my arm and pulls me back to him. Now he's kissing my jaw and neck. I can't stop my moans of pleasure as they come rolling from my tongue. He licks a path from to top of my neck down to my collarbone… his hands are under my shirt… one is on the small of my back while the other is exploring my chest. When he reaches his desired area his caresses get slower and slower… I can't take it anymore and one of my hands is now on his over my shirt. I move his hand to the spot I want and he groans with my sudden aggressiveness. He comes back up my neck and kisses a trail along my jaw line and up my cheek until he gets to my ear. He nibbles on my lobe before moving to the soft skin behind it… he places small kisses on it and I almost fall to my feet. This is so good. I move my hands from my shirt to his face. I pull him away and he looks at me confused before I pull him to me again… our fierce kisses send me to a place I've never been as our tongues duel for dominance. But all the sudden he moves away from me. His warm hands leave my skin and I look at him questioningly. He gives me a saddened look and tears begin to sting my eyes. I scream for him to stay with me but then… then the words that have haunted me are uttered from his lips and I lose it… I just lose it…_

"_When I'm with you I feel like I'm nothing! I feel like I'm nothing…"_

_I kneel in front of him crying hysterically now… Those words stab me in a place nothing ever has before. I need to get away from this pain before I slip… and that's the last thing I want to do. I see his figure retreating from me it's all I can do not to run after him and plead… beg him to give me another chance… but I know it's too late. I just stand up and whisper to the night's breeze._

"_I'll be waiting for you my love… always waiting…"_

_I don't know what those words mean or why I said them but now they hover around me mercilessly… haunting my steps… criticizing me for leaving… but it was my only resort… my only way to make it out alive…_

A knock on my door pulls me from my nightmare and I rise from the couch feeling more nauseous than ever. I walk over to the door and look through the peep whole. It's Audrey. I wonder what she wants. I open the door and find her in front of me with a bag in her hand. I look skeptically before she slips in past me.

"I thought you might need this."

She shakes the bag and I hear things move from side to side. I look at her perplexed.

"And what exactly do I need?"

She pulls the object out of the bag revealing… a pregnancy test? What the hell? How random is that?

"You need these. I noticed how you looked and Eddie mentioned you throwing up twice when you first walked in here. Tell me Joey… has your sense of smell become very sensitive lately?"

I think back and I realize… almost everyplace I am the smell is almost too much to bear. I remember how my smell almost made me sick. I start to panic… I can't be pregnant… there is no way… Pacey and I were always safe… always…

"Um… yeah. It has actually."

"And have you been throwing up all the time?"

"Yeah I have… and I think I need to throw up now. If you'll excuse me."

I place my finger on my mouth and run over to the bathroom down the corridor… just like Eddie said. I rush in and vomit almost immediately… this is not happening…

I finish up and then wash up before walking back out to a patient Audrey.

"Will you please just take it? It'll help if you do. Please… that's all I ask."

I reluctantly grab the box and make my way back to the bathroom. I open the door and put the toilet seat down, place the test down on the counter and sit… I just watch it… debating whether or not I should see whether or not I am in fact pregnant. I'm really trying to convince myself that I'm not pregnant… I couldn't be pregnant… I would never allow it…

"_When you find love you lose all sense of control."_

I remember my mother's words on her deathbed. She decided that she might as well tell me all her knowledge before she died instead of me never hearing it when I needed it most. I think for a little while and finally give in…

It's been three minutes… should I check now? Is that enough time? Did it say after one? I'm so nervous I can't even see straight… carefully I grab the test and turn it over… my hands are shaking so hard that I don't even see the result… but there it is… clear as day…

Blue

I swear to god my heart stopped beating… this was all too surreal… not only did I run away from home and the one person I truly love… but I ran off pregnant… and now I have to worry about bringing this baby into the world without its father… and without a proper home. There was only one thing that went through my head at this point.

Pacey will _never_ find out.

I can't let him know… it'll just be that much more that he has to deal with… he probably doesn't want to know anything about me… plus he would never let me back in anyway… I left him… at my own free will I just up and left. I'm such an idiot… I need him so badly. I can't do this alone.

I sit on the toilet seat again and softly cry… I don't know how long I was crying until a knock on the door brought me out of my pity party.

"Joey… are you okay? Did you get the results?"

I wipe my tears away and go over to the door and open it for her to enter. She comes in and searches for the piece of plastic that has just changed my life forever. When she sees it her eyes go wide and she rushes over to me. I melt into her kindness and cry in her arms for what seems like forever…

What am I going to do now?

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Reviews are very much appreciated! If you have any questions or anything I'll answer them in the beginning of the next chapter! Also I would _really_ appreciate some constructive criticism (if you have any that is). THNX FOR READING MY FIC!

Hey everyone! So again… sorry about not ud. And yes… Audrey will be a main character in this story… but no need to worry… there will be ABSOLUTEY NO PACEY AND AUDREY ACTION! I would never be able to get myself to write it. And if you guys didn't figure it out… the man in Joey's dream was in fact Pacey. And Joey still has a hell of a road to go down before this story gets anywhere near finished. Now if you guys want I can put in a Pacey POV next chapter… or I can just keep going with my Joey POV and Pacey won't come in for another chapter or so (still Joey centric). But you guys have to tell me in your reviews which you would rather have. Thanks again… and I guess I'll give you some spoilers…

- Joey still needs to find a place to live.

- What's up with Eddie anyway?

- Is something wrong with Joey's pregnancy?

You get to find out next time! Or maybe the time after that… so if it's a Pacey POV next chapter than (spoiler time!):

- What's going down in Capeside?

- How's Pacey coping?

- Is Pacey going to give up on her?

So lots-o-spoilers for you… aren't you guys just the lucky bunch! lol… thanks again:)


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